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I guess it’s time for me to be honest with myself and with whoever even reads this blog. I think it’s only fair that people know my feeling toward the senior seminar project. Lately I have not been blogging due to the fact that I have honestly lost all my motivation in this project. I have no idea how to even start it. I love writing poems and lyrics but now that it has become a homework and a grade it just doesn’t interest me. The fun of it was taken out. Over the summer the senior class had to read Drive by Daniel Pink and it states exactly this: when a fun hobby is turned into a chore or a price or grade is put on it, intrinsic motivation is lost. I guess this is what has happened to me. Also the fact that I am still afraid of failure is really playing in to my situation I am hoping that I can get over this stage and feeling during my Christmas break when I can have time to myself. I won’t lie, I am really behind and I cannot promise much for the rest of this semester. I wanted to put up some song lyrics that I wrote the other day to show that I at least have been writing but no, not yet. I feel that everything that I have been writing lately comes out horrible and lately I have not been able to express myself without extensive use of curse words. That is just the way I feel but if I were to post up anything of the sort I am sure that I’d be reprimanded. I feel lost in all this. I’ll try to find myself and hopefully not just end up getting even more lost because if I change my project I will feel like a failure, and if I continue it and it comes out like shit, I will feel like failure as well.

The Music Conflict

Since the first time I was told about the Senior Culminating Project, I was convinced that my project would include my two grandest passions: music and film. My thoughts were that I was the only one with this idea and passions willing to make them happen, however, I was wrong. Two of last year’s seniors also had the same ideas as me, of making an album of personal songs and perhaps a few music videos. I felt that if I came in my senior year with the same idea, people would call me out on being unoriginal and copying last year’s projects. Being a prideful person, these were the last words I wanted associated with my work and I decided to change my project a bit for this year and decided I would include others in it. I wanted to throw an extravagant end of the year concert showcasing student talent in order to encourage student songwriters like me to bring their work to the light instead of keeping it hidden. However, I was told that this would basically be an “over glorified talent show”. I thought about it and I guess I agreed with this idea.
Another reason why I wanted to change my idea was because I didn’t want anyone saying that I was being selfish and not impacting others. Well, I spoke with some participants from last year and they informed me that it was okay to be selfish as long as the project impacted me. I no longer care what others may think, this is why I will go with my original plan and make an album and videos so that I can satisfy the feeling of wanting to feel like a true artist and have a record of my story for when I’m gone. Also, this project will be a perfect addition to any portfolio I am asked for when applying to any art and film schools in the future. I also hope that my songs inspire young songwriters to come out of hiding also and present their work to the world. I am tired of writing my thoughts down only so they can find the trash can a few days later. I will finally let the world know my thoughts by giving sound to them.